Where to begin…
Back in 2017, the Trump Administration made the Veterans Administration available to all Veterans who had served for a certain period of time on Active Duty. I took advantage of the benefit and went to the VA for a physical which I hadn’t had in many years. By the grace of God, I was in excellent health and the only recommendation was for me to take vitamin D and to drink less alcohol. At the time, the VA had no previous medical information from my past including my records from the time I served in the Military. A few years later, I went to the VA with severe stomach pains that were reminiscent from when I had 18” of intestine removed back in 2004 (perforated diverticulitis caused by stress, according to the surgeon). The stomach pains turned out to be a false alarm, but the Doctor wanted me to meet with a Therapist to discuss what was contained in my medical records from Evanston Hospital and Military service which they had just received. I agreed to see a Therapist as I knew something was very wrong with me and I couldn't figure it out on my own. And becoming an alcoholic didn't help.
The Therapist I met with at the VA had been an expert in treating those with PTSD in the ‘civilian world’ and was brought in to VA to handle unique situations like mine. The Therapist explained that based on my medical records (which included my seeing a Psychiatrist in 2008), I had "service connected, chronic Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome". The Therapist went on to say that the PTSD was caused by the Military rewiring me to always be running towards conflict or danger and failed to unwire me before returning to the civilian world. She said this was common amongst First Responders who experienced traumatic events. She went on to explain the concept of 'fight or flight' and how the Military removes flight from the equation when confronting danger and controversy and that is what allegedly happened to me. Without even knowing my story, the Therapist knew exactly what happened to me when I returned to the civilian world off of active duty. She went on to speculate that once I got out of the Military, I would find myself fighting battles that I had no business fighting which most likely destroyed relationships which is EXACTLY what happened. She also said that in fighting these battles, I would find myself standing alone with no one having my back which is also painfully true. Not only did I have no one watching my back, I had people stabbing me in the back because of my outspokeness. The Therapists words were like a bolt of lightening as I immediately understood what happened and why I made so many foolish decisions. It sounds noble to stand up for others, but its also a very stupid thing to do - especially when I had my own situations to deal with. I litterally abanonded my business (and wife) when I went to battle against the corrupt government of Evanston where I eventually got my ass handed to me. I lost the battle before it even started and didn't realize it until years later. When the Therapist finished explaining my diagnosis, she asked me if I had any questions or comments now that I had agreed to pursue therapy. Without pause, I responded by saying that if what I share with her during therapy is true, I expect to be treated in one manner as opposed to if what I share isn't true or even embellished. The Therapist looked surprised by my comment, but agreed with my assessment. The reason why the truth is critically important to me is because of the many lies that were told about me when I became involved in exposing the aforementioned corruption in Evanston. These falsehoods ended many relationships including the marriage to the love of my life Amy who was told that I was having affair with a Northwestern student. When Amy confronted me with the allegations and divorce papers in hand, I knew exactly who told her the lie and it was a patient of hers who was the leasing agent for the development I was in opposition to. Though I was innocent of having an affair, I followed through with the divorce as I had already caused so much pain to Amy because of my actions and not realizing at the time that I was mentally ill because of the PTSD. The divorce papers called for splitting assets and sharing our dog Lewis, but I gave her everything because of what I had put her through. The divorce was amicable, but I knew I was never going to see her again knowing I could never make things right. In our last conversation, she asked me a question that has haunted me ever since and that was why I was so kind to the very people who were so evil to me over the years. I had no response. The most powerful moment in Therapy came when I understood where and when my life "went off the rails” because of the PTSD. I instantly realized that I should have moved, sold, or liquidated my business in 2001 when the city of Evanston moved forward with a development project that was extremely detrimental to small businesses. Instead, I continued operating the business and became involved with an organization that opposed the development. By speaking out and exposing the alleged corruption, the city of Evanston (including the school districts and several other organizations) cut off doing all business with me and I financially blead to death. Because of the PTSD, I continued to fight a losing battle while many other small businesses (wisely) moved out of downtown Evanston, sold their business, or closed all together. Fight or flight.
The Joan’s Sweet Shoppe Story Joan’s Sweet Shoppe was a small business that was located directly across the street from my business Ofischl Sports in downtown Evanston. Joan was an amazing entrepreneur with her collections of candies, confections, coffee, and baked items. She decorated her store around each holiday and had a tremendous clientele with Rotary International headquarters located across the street.
At the height of the downtown Evanston development controversy, I approached Joan about getting involved with the opposition movement. Without pause, Joan responded that she had no time to get involved as she had a business to focus on and wanted no part of the controversy. At the time, I thought her not wanting to get involved was a selfish act and I stopped patronizing her store for several months.
A few years later after I had lost everything including my business, I moved to Whitehall Michigan and ran in to Joan who grew up in the area (we used to talk about it back in the day). The moment I saw her, I immediately realized how stupid I was with getting involved in the development controversy and how I wasted so many years. Joan told me how she was able to sell her business for top dollar and was able to purchase a cabin in the area and retire.
When I chose to fight, Joan chose flight and she retired successfully. The other actualization I had in that moment had to do with when I worked at Meijer. I had NO business getting involved with a labor dispute and allegations of racism while I was training to become a Store Director. The employees at Meijer had the UFCW951 Local Union, the Michigan Department of Civil Rights, and the NAACP but that didn’t stop me from being a whistleblower and I was subsequently fired for standing up for employees who wouldn't stand up for themselves. I used to believe that if you see something, say something, but not anymore. God, grant me the scerenity to accept the things I can not change...
I began to sob uncontrollably as I then realized I lost the love of my life, my business, and family connections because I was fighting battles I had no business ever getting involved with in the first place. I chose to fight when I should have chosen flight.